Some good news from isolation: rhythm-possessing hottie Channing Tatum has reached the “screw it; I’ll just wear a costume today” part of quar. And, perhaps it’s the profound lack of human contact talking, but he might just be pulling it off! If you’d asked me a month ago if I’d ever write enthusiastically about Channing Tatum pulling something off that did not include actually removing an item of clothing, I would have brought you up on charges. But today’s a new day (reportedly, although scientists agree that time means nothing anymore), Channing’s wearing gold lamé joggers, and I am surprisingly okay with all of it.
Let’s take a closer look:
::steps back from microscope and adjusts glasses:: Fascinating. What we have here is an accessibly hot celebrity who seems like he’s probably a nice guy (but do not quote me on that) giving you “bouncer chic” up top and a Project Runway one-day challenge judged by Will Smith as the genie from Aladdin on the bottom. In bare feet. While taking out a trash bag that is about to break. You ever see a photo that’s 100 percent backstory? The actual pixels that comprise the image are like “Babe, I don’t know what to tell you; I’m just here.”
Like my luggage from a simple two-day trip, there’s a lot to unpack here. This is like one of those bar video games where you have to find the thing that’s wrong with the photo. But when you put your quarter in this one, the machine just sighs and says “Oof. Where to start?”
First of all, Can we do a GoFundMe to get Channing Tatum a stronger trash bag? @Hefty can you help out here? I am experiencing extreme anxiety over this photo. What happens next?
Next of all, the photo surfaced on the first Monday in May which is typically the day of the Met Gala so perhaps Channing was dressing for the occasion. It doesn’t quite fit this year’s theme, which was to be “About Time: Fashion and Duration” but taking out the garbage in MC Hammer drag feels very much aligned with last year’s theme of camp. Susan Sontag called and was like “What is this? What’s happening? Please leave me alone” which I think we can count as a win.
Of course, the opposite interpretation is equally likely: Maybe Channing wasn’t dressing to impress (and distress) but was channeling the chaotic spirit of housebound life where the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. There’s a beautiful freedom in reaching the stage of quar when the only question you ask yourself when getting dressed is “Are these pants?” and then you put the item on regardless of the answer. Why does Channing Tatum have gold lamé joggers with the lowest crotch I’ve ever seen? Irrelevant. In quar, the clothes that you need appear at the minute that you need them. The real question is can someone please tell me what day it is?
It’s also possible that the Magic Mike star donned the flashy pants as the result of losing a bet or a game. This isn’t shade; losing games and having to make interesting sartorial choices is a well-documented occurrence in Channing’s life. I, for one, begin every day thinking of the time he lost a game of Jenga to Jessie J and “had to” post a nude photo on Instagram.
This prompts as many questions as the gold lamé pants (though I am much less concerned with getting answers). What the hell kind of Jenga are they playing at the Tatum/J residence? Do hot people realize they can just post hot pictures and go without a whole narrative? It’s a thirst trap, not the first hour of The Irishman; I don’t need a ton of exposition. Was this a new photo taken after the Jenga game? He pulled one little wooden block, sent the pieces tumbling, and then immediately jumped up, disrobed, and hopped in the shower? Where were the gold pants when this photo was taken? I’m just trying to set the scene here. Why can’t Channing find a trash bag that will hold things in as well as he’s holding his all-togethers in in this photo? Get yourself a trash bag that will contain your refuse with the vigilance of a naked celebrity trying not to upset the Instagram censors.
The nude Insta was posted almost one year to the day before the gold lamé pants photo appeared, so perhaps Channing Tatum just likes to welcome May by inviting clothing chaos into the timeline. Can’t wait til next May, whenever that is!